Blogger is being weird today, so I am typing this in Word to be published later. That's why everything's spelled correctly and there are capital letters. I don't have anything against capital letters, in fact, I quite enjoy using proper grammar and punctuation, but most of the time in this blog I feel like, artistically, I would rather just type type type, and not worry about stretching my pinky all the way over to the shift button. Yes. Blog. Artistic. Whatever.
Anywhozit. Sorry I haven't been blogging much, as if you care. I have been dealing with a lot and feeling like I want to get feelings down on paper, but I know that a lot of people in my real life read this and I often chicken out about posting anything real. Not that I would insult anyone or anything, but I feel like I'm not a good enough writer to get my point across effectively, so I tend to blog fluff instead of what's really going on. Which is OK... private's private and Blog isn't private, but sometimes I don't feel like fluff, so I end up neglecting Blog for a long time. I'd like to get into it a leetle bit... just scratch the surface. So you know where I'm coming from. Because... I think I need to write about all this. To get it out in some kind of concrete way. SO...
I have been feeling kind of shitty because Shawn and I broke up a few months ago. Two months ago, actually, we made a mutual decision to not be together anymore. We tried so hard for so long to fix the problems we were having, and finally we talked honestly and agreed that we'd been fighting so much because we were not good matches for each other, and that it was never going to work out between us because we wanted different things out of our lives and a relationship. Easy enough, right? No hard feelings, no yelling, no hating, no making friends choose sides, very healthy and mature all around, yeah? Yeah.
It was fine for two months. I was fine. Fine! I never cried, I didn't stress. I went on vacation to Vegas with him and 9 of his closest friends, and I dealt. Sometimes it was hard, but I was adjusting, and not freaking out about it. This was due in small part to the fact that I was super busy in April and May. I had trips to Vegas, Foxwoods, and DC. I was getting crazy busy at work. I had so many engagements: confirmations, showers, parties, graduations. I didn't have time to worry about it... and besides, hello! I agreed with this breaking up. It was practically my idea. For good reason! Why should I be sad when I got what I wanted?
Anywhozit. Sorry I haven't been blogging much, as if you care. I have been dealing with a lot and feeling like I want to get feelings down on paper, but I know that a lot of people in my real life read this and I often chicken out about posting anything real. Not that I would insult anyone or anything, but I feel like I'm not a good enough writer to get my point across effectively, so I tend to blog fluff instead of what's really going on. Which is OK... private's private and Blog isn't private, but sometimes I don't feel like fluff, so I end up neglecting Blog for a long time. I'd like to get into it a leetle bit... just scratch the surface. So you know where I'm coming from. Because... I think I need to write about all this. To get it out in some kind of concrete way. SO...
I have been feeling kind of shitty because Shawn and I broke up a few months ago. Two months ago, actually, we made a mutual decision to not be together anymore. We tried so hard for so long to fix the problems we were having, and finally we talked honestly and agreed that we'd been fighting so much because we were not good matches for each other, and that it was never going to work out between us because we wanted different things out of our lives and a relationship. Easy enough, right? No hard feelings, no yelling, no hating, no making friends choose sides, very healthy and mature all around, yeah? Yeah.
It was fine for two months. I was fine. Fine! I never cried, I didn't stress. I went on vacation to Vegas with him and 9 of his closest friends, and I dealt. Sometimes it was hard, but I was adjusting, and not freaking out about it. This was due in small part to the fact that I was super busy in April and May. I had trips to Vegas, Foxwoods, and DC. I was getting crazy busy at work. I had so many engagements: confirmations, showers, parties, graduations. I didn't have time to worry about it... and besides, hello! I agreed with this breaking up. It was practically my idea. For good reason! Why should I be sad when I got what I wanted?
Now June is here and my social calendar has calmed down and all I have is a lazy summer stretched out ahead of me, and all of a sudden, I'm not OK. It's hard to talk to him, it's hard to see him, because it's strained and awkard. It's hard to see him across the room and not be able to say anything to him. I realize that this is the way it had been with us for a while, and this awkwardness and inability to talk to each other was part of why we broke up in the first place, but my stupid girl brain keeps wanting to fix it. I feel like we shouldn't have broken up, even though I know (I know) that I don't want to be with him. I know I'm just lonely and bored and I'm falling back on an old habit and I'm getting frustrated because he knows that we should be moving farther apart. I'm acting crazy. I'm letting him see me act like a crazy girl. And I hate it! I hate when the crazy comes out but I hate it just being there, too, in my head, being illogical and... crazy.
I know this is likely not making sense but that's OK. The gist is, I am having trouble dealing lately, and it's especially annoying for all involved because it's coming a while after our actual breakup. I should be better two months later, and all of a sudden I'm WORSE. Even my friends are saying, "Um, I thought we were over this!?" So you can imagine how Shawn feels, how I feel. And trying to explain myself to him isn't going over well. So I need to come up with a new dealing plan (stay away, stay busy). Shit happens, though. What can I say? I know all that I need is space. And time. And support from my friends. And I'll get by.
1 comment:
Aww Mandarin, I'm sorry. I totally know how that feels, and there's just nothing good about it, especially when it blind-sides you.
The good news is, the crazy and the sad tend to evaporate as inexplicably as they set in, when you aren't expecting it, and one day you'll barely notice they've gone.
But until then, good luck, and chin up, and piles of hugs and everything. I hope you feel better soon.
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